Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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