so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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