I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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