It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
