Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
