I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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