Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
