Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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