God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
