Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
