and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
