I CAN MOONWALK!
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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