Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
