I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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