I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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