I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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