Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
either way he was missing a nipple.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
