I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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