I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
