I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
