Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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