I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
