Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
