We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
