but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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