Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
