Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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