I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
