I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
