Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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