He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
