hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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