i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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