I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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