My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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