i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
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