My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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