just tell him i said nine months
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
