toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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