I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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