wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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