I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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