wrigley field is MILF paradise
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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