Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
