did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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