Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
