I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
