I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
