ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
