her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
